How can I help my child who is struggling at School?
I am wondering how all your children and young people are getting on at school? I am, as usual, hearing lots of examples of struggle, anxiety and injustice and would like to share some thoughts and ideas that I hope will offer support.
My friend, an ex reception teacher says that this is the time of year when the four-year olds start to look around them with an anxious, bewildered realisation that this interesting novelty has turned into an ongoing reality and that there is no escape. This is the beginning of the process of either resigned acceptance or determined protest.
There are children who enjoy school, or whose parents think they do. Often this perspective is used as an argument to defend what schools do to many other children. It works for some so it must be ok, if your child has a problem it is because something is wrong with them.
I would love it if schools set out to work for everyone and that their priority was all children and adults’ health and happiness. Given that is clearly not the case, I would love it if the parents of the children coping well would widen their perspective to care about those who aren’t. That would be a powerful thing! Imagine if we all cared about all the children who aren’t ours - great change would happen.
In the meantime I would like to suggest some ways that parents can support their child if they are struggling at school. I am a big fan of home education, but only if it is a choice and if parents feel resourced and supported in it. I know there are many parents who feel they have to remove their children from school in order to protect their child’s mental health. There are also many families who do not have this choice. I will write more about learning outside of school another time, but for now this is for those parents whose children are at school and who want some ideas about how to best support their ongoing health and resilience.
Be on your child’s side, always
The most important thing is for a parent to be clear that they are their child’s most important advocate, ally and team-mate. This is an enormous protective factor, it changes everything. If a child knows that their parent has their back, will stick up for them, listen to them, support their needs, they will be able to face all sorts of difficult things. Our culture has long encouraged parents to support the school against the child, suggesting that this is for the child’s sake. So parents are recruited into being the school’s representative at home which is awful. The rest of the ideas I am sharing are details of how to do this most important thing.
Believe what your child tells you
When your child tells you anything about what is happening at school, take it seriously, believe them. It is surprisingly hard to do this when we have been conditioned to deny children’s perspective especially if it makes us uneasy. For example if a child says that their teacher shouted at them, don’t dismiss them with ‘I expect she was frustrated’, or ‘but she is so nice’, or ‘you must have deserved it’. Be warm and curious instead. If your child says that they were told off or punished in some other way for something they didn’t do, believe them. Don’t say, ‘well you must have done something or why would that happen?’ Believe them, even if you can’t change what is happening. Just your willingness to take your child seriously will protect them from isolation with their experience.
Validate their feelings
This is a foundational need for a child that is a magic relationship strengthener. It is so important for children (and adults) to feel that they make sense, that they are not alone in their experience. If your child says ‘I hate school’, reply with something like ‘yes, you are really not enjoying it are you?’ or ‘I get it, it all feels too much’. This will allow your child to trust that you care about their perspective and encourage them to say more about what is wrong. Some parents worry this encourages ‘negative’ feelings but that is not the case. Actually it allows the child feel less alone and access and develop their own problem-solving skills. If there are only bits of school that your child hates, validation of their feelings will help them to put things into perspective and realise that there are other things they love. You don’t need to do that for them by saying ‘but you love seeing your friends!’ Even if that is true, that is not what they are trying to tell you.
Advocating for them at school
If your child gets unfairly punished, is overwhelmed by too much homework, has their needs unmet, please stand up for them with the school. Many of us feel helpless in the face of the authority and certainty of teachers and head teachers, and you might worry that your involvement might make things worse for your child. Maybe we need to get together with other parents in order to find a voice. It is harmful for a child to see their parent helpless to protect them. At the same time, take care with this, schools are part of delicate eco-systems of culture. If we rush in without care and against the wishes of our child, we risk making things worse. Always work with your child to get consent for your involvement.
Do not allow yourself to be recruited as the school’s representative at home
Your child needs you to be a parent, which means to put their needs for safety and relationship first. A common example of this is how schools insist that parents have to get their 5 year olds to read to them every night, and this evolves into asking parents to be responsible for making their child do their homework on time. If you get caught up in this, your child has lost you as a safe nurturing presence and your relationship will be challenged. We need to stand strong in protection of our child’s wider needs eg, to spend time outside, with family, dreaming, resting. School already takes up so much of a child’s time and energy. Also, there is plenty of research to show that homework does not actually help a child’s education. That is a whole other article!
Don’t accept the culture of reward and punishment
There is a pervasive, usually unchallenged belief that using incentives, threats and punishments is a good way to train children in ‘good’ behaviour. It is the opposite, and actually it is a brutal way to go about things. Please don’t be impressed if your child brings home a certificate for sitting still, or even for doing well in maths. Rather, ask how they feel they have got on, what they are enjoying about learning, what they think about it all. They need our unconditional interest and acceptance in who they actually are, not treat them as performing monkeys who have to keep doing things to please us in order to get approval. If your child is punished for something, you can know that this is unfair too. Any punishment is always unfair. Children are always doing their best in the context the adults have created for them. If your child can’t sit still in class, or forgot their PE kit, or is late, or is talking at the wrong time, none of this will be solved by punishing them. I know this is a bold thing to say in our culture!
Please stick up for the children at your child’s school, not just yours, by objecting to the reward/punishment culture. I know many parents, including myself, who have done this many times and have got nowhere. Let’s campaign together. At least, let your child know that this approach is unfair and don’t, please don’t, continue the punishment at home with your disapproval and actions. A lot of the punishment culture works through humiliation and shaming, just don’t perpetuate that at home.
If your child is one of the ‘lucky’ ones who regularly gets the stickers, rewards and certificates, please don’t encourage the idea that this is a good thing. These things actually reward the children who are most supported and able, and often these children become anxious to keep getting the praise as a measure of their worth, and this stays with them for life.
Keep your family culture warm, friendly and shame free
It is ok for your family values to be inconsistent with school values. You can say, well the school may say that you are not behaving well, but I know that making you miss break time is not helpful. Or, in this family we don’t do rewards and punishment, we just do our best to care about each other. You don’t have to believe in school culture in order to take part in it. Or, I know the school says your whole future depends on you doing your homework but I don’t think that is true. There are many ways to learn and many choices for your future.
Thank you for reading this. I realise that what I am saying here may bring up all sorts of questions and challenges. I believe strongly that the urgent times we are in require us to question the systems we are part of and the way we bring up our children. They are facing huge change and the research about resilience tells us that our mainstream education system is not helping. Some schools are working really hard to provide a safe and nurturing experience for children, but the wider education system does not help this. Many teachers and learning assistants are lovely people but the ones who really value children are not supported well and are getting forced out of the profession as it continues along a harsh path.
I wish you deeply well in your care for the children in your life.
WIth love
Jo
